Category Archives: Silly

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Totally Awesome News

The best kind of news article? I’ve decided it’s the kind where there’s a hidden surprise halfway through. It’s like one of those movies with the surprise twist halfway through, just when you think you know where it’s headed. (Although hopefully better than the last few M. Night Shyamalan movies. The only surprises left there are how much you’ll feel like you overpaid to see the film. But I digress.)

Take for instance, this lovely article from DallasNews.com.

Veteran Dallas County jail guard fired over comments
07:26 AM CDT on Tuesday, March 16, 2010
By KEVIN KRAUSE / The Dallas Morning News

A veteran Dallas County jail guard has been fired for making offensive comments about his religious beliefs to co-workers, including his contention that gays should be “put to death,” sheriff’s reports show.

At this point I’m thinking to myself, “Oh look, another boring article.” And as I read along, at first it seems fairly run-of-the-mill. Hates gay people, hates non-white people, and pulls out the whole “the Bible says slavery is all right.” Now to be fair, I am impressed that he pointed to the Bible’s pro-slavery passages, because normally people just go for the anti-gay stuff in that section. (Funny how no one ever goes for the “God says you may beat your children” and “mixed fibers are a sin” passages, but that’s another story.)

But then? Suddenly, with no warning…

“I believe that all dinosaurs were born of Satanic angel who has sex with woman and the animal kingdom that created ungodly reptilian creatures none of these were on the Ark,” Johnson said.

What the?!?!

As if to make you think you just mis-read that paragraph, the next two paragraphs are back to boring anti-gay, you’re-going-to-get-fired everyday material. But then we go back to the motherlode of awesome.

“He continued making statements which included his belief that God had sex with angels, and that dinosaurs were destroyed because man had sex with them, as well as his belief that the Devil had sex with humans,” the report concluded.

This is now, officially, the best news article ever. Also, I am going to write up a book proposal involving God having sex with angels, humans having sex with dinosaurs, the Devil having sex with humans, and Satanic angels giving birth to dinosaurs. I will sell a billion copies. Possibly more.

Also, I want to know just what it would look like to see a (Satanic) angel giving birth to an apatosaurus (the dinosaur formerly known as brontosaurus). Maybe someone could please computer animate this for me? If I ever have children, I am fairly certain I could show it to them to make them do… well… anything I want. “Brush your teeth or this might happen to you.” “Clean your room or you’ll give birth to a dinosaur.” Just think of the possibilities.

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When Search Engines Go Horribly Wrong

At my job, when we put together training there are often still images used to accompany the text on the screen, to help get the idea across. Rather than shoot all of these images ourselves (although we do that at times, plus depending on what the course is about we often get photos directly from our clients), sometimes we go to stock photo services. One of these places is Photos.com, which back in the day used to be a huge boon to our work. They had a great photo library and we found a lot of good selections.

Now, I’m not saying all the photos were good. Even back then there were some rather questionable images. But we’ve noticed lately that some images don’t quite fit what you’re asking for. (I won’t even get into the nudity that crops up when you least expect it. I think we’re all still a little dazed by the naked guy holding a bunch of bananas next to—but not in front of—his crotch.) Take, for example, today. I typed airplane and eating into the search box, told the website that it had to match all of the search words, and clicked on submit. What I wanted was a photo of someone (preferably a family, but I’d take what I could get) eating food on a plane. Perhaps even a meal provided by the airline. What I got… well…

Ok, which of the three do you think showed up in response to the words airplane and eating?


A shirtless man holding a bottle for a baby?


A pile of crabs?


Or a hummingbird eating nectar from a flower?

Continue reading When Search Engines Go Horribly Wrong→

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A Typical Conversation

This is, for the record, a real conversation I had earlier tonight.

Charlie: Ooh, that’s a great name, we could name a child that.
Greg: No, we already have a name picked out for our mythical child, remember. Huggybear Batman.
Charlie: But that’s for a boy. What if we have a girl?
Greg: Huggybear Batman.
Charlie: NO.
Greg: Ok, Huggybear Batwoman.
Charlie: What about Huggybear Batgirl?
Greg: Well, Batwoman is a lesbian.
Charlie: Hmmm. Interesting. But we don’t want to pigeonhole our child. Let nature take its course.
Greg: True. Although Batgirl got shot by the Joker and put in a wheelchair for life.
Charlie: Well then, it’s paying tribute to Batgirl’s strength.
Greg: Good point. Huggybear Batgirl it is.
Charlie: Wait, what was the last name we decided on?
Greg: Breadtangle.
Charlie: Huggybear Breadtangle.
Greg: No no, you have to always say the first and middle names together, like my friend Sarah Grace. Huggybear is just “eh.” Huggybear Batman is awesome and rolls off the tongue.
Charlie: Then maybe we should make the last name Batman? Huggybear Breadtangle Batman?
Greg: Um, only freaks change their last name to Batman.

(And then Charlie started laughing so hard that we had to stop the conversation so he wouldn’t rupture something.)

I am also fairly certain that, should we ever get a child, social services would take it away within a week once the neighbors found out.

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The Real Differences Between Men and Women

When I went to the pool yesterday (at Spring Hill Rec Center in McLean), there were signs everywhere letting patrons know that for the day, the men’s and women’s locker rooms were swapping location. (My assumption is that a male maintenance crew needed to fix something in the women’s room, or something along those lines.) I give them credit, they made sure you couldn’t miss it: each door had about 15 signs posted on it and around it.

So after all those years of wondering, I have now seen on a legitimate level what the women’s locker room looks like. And with that in mind, here is my investigative report on the real difference between men and women.

The woman’s locker room was much more humid and warm. Uncomfortably so, in fact. Even after I’d gotten out of the shower I found myself sweating, something that normally doesn’t happen after a trip to the pool.  I actually ended up digging my towel back out as I was about to leave the room and had to mop off my face a few times. Seriously out of control warm.

There were pink tiles on the wall. Just so you were never confused that you were in the women’s locker room, I suppose. But seriously, pink everywhere. I felt like I was in a Pepto-Bismol factory.

The water pressure in the showers was less forceful than in the men’s locker room. Seriously, I even switched shower heads at one point because it was so inadequate. Trying to rinse off the soap was a much more lengthy process. If I was a woman, I’d object.

Oh, and of course there were some obvious differences. Like a lack of urinals. But I suspect you guys figured that one out already. So there we have it. According to locker room construction companies, women like humidity, low shower pressure, and the color pink. Also, they typically don’t pee standing up.

Mystery solved!